


A Love Letter of Apology

by musikurt



Series: Letters [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-24
Updated: 2008-08-24
Packaged: 2017-11-03 00:39:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/375136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musikurt/pseuds/musikurt





	A Love Letter of Apology

Flint-

I know if you’re reading this, I’m still one very lucky man. Merlin knows you would be more than right to tear this up and toss it out without ever looking back. I was such a prat the other day and again this afternoon, and I know it. I can’t change the things I’ve done, though I wish it was possible, so my explanations (not excuses) will have to suffice.  
You know I care for you a great deal. Ever since we first met, I’ve always had a thing for you and my love has done nothing but grow as we’ve become closer. Even during school when we had to keep up the façade of our rivalry (albeit it a rather fun charade that I think helped us to understand each other better), it was hard for me to contain everything I felt for you. It’s still hard for me to contain it.

After Hogwarts, when I signed with Puddlemere United, I was crushed along with you that you did not get any offers. I had hoped that it would just be a matter of time before you were picked up somewhere. When it became clear that things were not going to work out for you and your Quidditch career, I did everything I could to be supportive—as hard as it was at times. You were hard to live with that first year and things slowly spiraled into something worse. Your constant moping, quick temper, and sometimes violent rages were a lot to take in, but I tried to be there for you. I put myself aside many times to allow you to cope in your own way. Perhaps that was a poor choice and if I could go back again, I might work to help you find healthier coping mechanisms, but neither of us can change the past.

When you finally agreed to seek help, my heart was overjoyed. I had hoped that after a short while, the Marcus Flint with whom I had fallen deeply in love would come back to me. The shell of a man with whom I was living and sharing a bed at the end was someone I did not recognize. But I should have been prepared for the fact that a transformation that had taken three years could not be quickly reversed.

I know I told you I would wait for you, and when I said those words I meant it. In fact, I’m still waiting for you to come back to me, but I could not put my life completely on hold. When I received the offer to play Keeper for a team in the States, the decisions to accept it caused me great agony. I tried to get in touch with you before I left, but no one seemed to know where you went. It was like you had completely disappeared. I could only hope that you were okay and decided to further my career.

When I saw you the other day, I barely recognized you. You definitely were looking good, but I was so used to the you that I had seen last in London that it took a few hours for it all to click. I understand that it was hurtful for me to blow you off, but I honestly thought you were just another fan. What I didn’t know is that it was my biggest fan ever standing right in front of me.

I know you think I’ve betrayed you in so many ways, but I need you to know that I have never loved another. In the two years since we’ve been apart, I have yet to find someone who even remotely compares to you. Yes, I’ve had offers and even some very interested possibles, but I have not been able to pursue anything real or deep like the love that we had. That guy that I was walking with was just a friend and even though I said otherwise when you confronted me later, I was only trying to make you jealous. What I said was said out of hurt, out of the pain I’ve been carrying around for years. Pain that I know I have not allowed myself to deal with effectively and it will take time for me to be able to let go of it completely.

It is not my intention to blame you, but I have scars, too. They may not be visible scars that can be seen like yours, but when the person you love is not only abusive to you but also to himself and when he disappears without saying “goodbye,” it hurts. I could feel a part of me dying along with you during some of your darker days. I was willing to take the pain because I’ve learned that without the ache that love sometimes makes us feel, love is just another run-of-the-mill emotion. Maybe that’s not what some would consider the healthiest way of looking at it, but it’s the truth of my world…my world that is just not the same without you in it.

I must ask that you please accept my sincerest apology for the hurt you feel that I have caused you and for the things I said to you this afternoon. Through it all, you are still my one love and I need you more than anything. It may seem that I’ve learned to live without you, but nothing could be farther from the truth. I may have learned to present a strong face and to act as everything is okay, but I am wandering, lost, without purpose. I am incomplete…I have been since shortly after we left school…and I will continue to be until I can have you back. But if that cannot be, I understand. I will continue to wander lost and aimless for the remainder of my days……must it be that we must both continue searching for the rest of our lives when we know that what we’re looking for lies so easily within reach??  
If you’d like to talk, you know where to find me…

One who will forever be yours,

-Wood


End file.
